Our poor, unloved millennials

Generation Y - born between 1980 and 1995.

Role model: Kim Kardashian.

(L to R) Sarah Jessica Parker, Cynthia Nixon, Kristin Davis and Kim Cattrall of Sex and the City in 2010

Millennials like brands with an ethical dimension... we're told.

Millennials are in thrall to any bit of technology that will organise their lives.

These kids grew up in a time when everyone won a medal at sports day.

The main reaction to new Fianna Fáil TD Jack Chambers was that he had funny hair.

Millennial guys want to looked ripped, and walk in the mountains.

For millennials, there's always Australia.

It's only a matter of time before helicopter parents start turning up for job interviews in Ireland.

thumbnail: Generation Y - born between 1980 and 1995.
thumbnail: Role model: Kim Kardashian.
thumbnail: (L to R) Sarah Jessica Parker, Cynthia Nixon, Kristin Davis and Kim Cattrall of Sex and the City in 2010
thumbnail: Millennials like brands with an ethical dimension... we're told.
thumbnail: Millennials are in thrall to any bit of technology that will organise their lives.
thumbnail: These kids grew up in a time when everyone won a medal at sports day.
thumbnail: The main reaction to new Fianna Fáil TD Jack Chambers was that he had funny hair.
thumbnail: Millennial guys want to looked ripped, and walk in the mountains.
thumbnail: For millennials, there's always Australia.
thumbnail: It's only a matter of time before helicopter parents start turning up for job interviews in Ireland.
Pat Fitzpatrick

The millennials are the most stressed generation of all time, but they can take a good selfie. They're not really interested in politics or religion, but they're surgically attached to their smartphones. Baby boomers and Generation X-ers think that millennials are self-obsessed, spoiled hypocrites who think the world owes them a living. Who exactly are these millennials, what do they think, what do they want? And why does everybody hate them?

Role Models

Role model: Kim Kardashian.

We're told that millennials like Lena Dunham. This doesn't ring true. We're not even sure that Lena Dunham likes Lena Dunham. And anyway, we already know who most millennials really love. Themselves.

Think about it. The real reason the internet took off has nothing to do with faster processors, apps and better broadband.

It's because some nerd in charge of mobile-phone design said, "Hey, why don't we put a camera on the front?" The selfie generation had its wow! moment. From now on, the rear-facing camera on my phone will only be used for posting photos of my dinner and maybe the odd sunset. The front-facing camera is all about me, me and me.

Saying that millennials are fairly narcissistic is like saying that Aidan Turner has a fairly nice chest. It's got to the stage where you can tell a person's age by the look in their eyes when they use the front camera.

The millennials take a good selfie. (Practice makes perfect.) On the other hand, Generation X and older have a bashful, startled look in their eyes. You know, like the natives when some English eejit turned up in their village and said, "Say cheese there, like a good chap."

It's obvious who the millennials love most, after themselves. And it isn't Michelle Obama, despite what they say in a lot of surveys. A millennial revealing their true role model would be more surprising than a Rose of Tralee contestant telling Daithi O Se that she'd love to work in the porn industry.

Why so coy? Because their real role model is Kim Kardashian, above.

You know it makes sense. Kim is the ultimate millennial. She didn't serve any apprenticeship. She communicates via selfies.

And, last year, she even moved back in with her mom for a while. You can't get more millennial than that.

Booze and Muscles

Millennial guys want to looked ripped, and walk in the mountains.

Marketing types are dying to find out what millennials like to do in their spare time. Which, in Ireland, is shorthand for "are they fond of the drink?" Apparently not, according to the Bord Bia survey mentioned earlier. It quotes a 26-year old guy who says he doesn't go boozing on a Friday night in case the weather is good on Saturday and he could be out in the mountains.

This sounds like someone you should avoid in the pub. Or on the mountain. But it fits the view that millennials are serious about their health. Until you look at the latest World Health Organisation figures around binge drinkers. It turns out that, after Austria, we're the biggest binge boozers in the world.

This is distressing. Nobody wants to lose to Austria in a drinking match. But our high ranking wouldn't be possible unless the millennials were lashing it down their throat on a regular basis. (Granny likes a drink, but not that much.)

So don't believe everything you hear from a well-meaning guy who doesn't like hangovers. That doesn't mean he's entirely wrong, though.

Millennial guys like a drink, but they also want to look ripped. The selfie generation is in love with anything that will leave it looking like Popeye on steroids.

There was a time when the only people in Ireland who liked showing off their muscles were gay men and rugby players. (The IRFU will probably sue if you suggest there was any crossover.)

But it's all about the tight T-shirt in Ireland now, to show that you've done your time at the gym. Not to mention opening boxes of dodgy bulk-up pills you bought online.

Who cares as long as you're bursting out of your clothes? And you can take a photo of your muscles and post it up online.

Look at you, all millennial.

What's in a Name?

Generation Y - born between 1980 and 1995.

A quick bit of history. Baby boomers is the name given to those born between 1946 and 1964. They gave way to Generation X, born between 1965 and 1979. Next up was Generation Y, born between 1980 and 1995. This group are also called millennials. That is the nicest thing anyone has to say about them.

You wouldn't say the millennials are popular with earlier generations. In fairness, some of this is because they are younger than them. "This new generation is so much better than us in every way," says no one ever on their 40th birthday, unless he is trying to shift the au pair.

But age-envy alone can't explain why millennials are hated all over the world. They are called Generation Serious in Norway. You know things aren't going well when someone in Norway accuses you of being too serious. Google "fun things to do in Oslo" and you'll see what we mean. In China, they are known as The Generation That Eats The Old. (It's probably snappier in Chinese.) Of course they don't literally eat the old. Unless they can get a guarantee that the old were ethically farmed using sustainable methods. In which case, pass the chopsticks.

So what are 21 to 36-year-olds called here? Well, they are often called down to dinner by their mammy, because they still live at home. That's appropriate, as a recent Bord Bia survey revealed that a lot of millennials are foodies and like to identify themselves by what they eat. Poor mammy is driven mad trying to find them organic Fairtrade Save the Panda quinoa.

So we're pretty sure we know what she calls the millennials, under her breath. And we're pretty sure we're not allowed to print it in a family newspaper.

State of Mind

Millennials are in thrall to any bit of technology that will organise their lives.

Millennials are the most stressed generation of all time, according to a survey conducted by the American Psychological Association. (We've no idea how they measured the ancient Egyptians.)

It's so bad that a lot of millennials end up suffering a quarter-life crisis. Seriously, this is actually a thing. Rather than having just one 'what's it all about?' crisis in their 40s, they are having a mild meltdown in their 20s. That's the problem with people who grew up with the internet. They're not willing to wait for anything.

Millennials are notoriously insecure. And not just because the longest employment contract available to them is 17 minutes. It's also because they grew up in the Facebook era. Or as it should be called, Boastbook. Let's face it, nobody posts "I have a really average life" on Facebook. Body image is also a problem. This is understandable. Body image for Generation X could be reduced to one question. Do I have bingo wings? No? Fair play to you. Generation X-ers also grew up in a time when people didn't spend good money on a device to tell them they are fat and lazy. So we are more inclined to mutter "This is insane" and rip the latest bit of wearable tech off our pudgy arms. It's different for millennials. The over-parented ones are in thrall to any bit of technology that will organise their lives in a chirpy American accent. So they are bombarded with instructions from the minute they wake up. Older generations had a word for something that badgered them all day - the wife.

Millennials don't allow themselves to make jokes like that, of course. Which doesn't help. "Just like my husband", say older women, getting in on the act.

What are their goals in life?

It's only a matter of time before helicopter parents start turning up for job interviews in Ireland.

What do millennials want? Their parents' money, says you, hiding another few grand away from the greedy bastards in the Cayman Islands.

Millennials like to broadcast the fact they are flat broke, often from a €500 iPhone. A recent Irish Independent opinion piece, titled 'A defence of millennials', pointed out that graduate salaries, which stood at €27,000 in 2008, are now €24,000. Most people would look at the pay cuts they have endured since 2008 and say 11pc is getting off pretty lightly. But then, millennials aren't most people.

They certainly take a different approach to getting a job. Eight per cent of graduates in America bring their parents along to job interviews, with 3pc insisting they accompany them inside.

We wish this was a joke, but it's actually from a survey cited in the Wall Street Journal. Be very afraid. It's only a matter of time before helicopter parents start turning up for interviews here in Ireland. (Mammy will be delighted to help answer the question, "What do you consider your main weaknesses?")

And then there's the entitlement. Any recruiter or employer will tell you the same thing. Millennials want the corner office, and they want it now. They didn't go to college just so they can spend five years taking orders from someone who went to college and then spent five years learning the ropes. No, sir.

Millennials are the X Factor generation, where the most important thing is to recognise their incredible talent and promote them in a hurry. So bear that in mind if you are planning to hire one. And give the job to someone else. Good luck breaking the bad news to mammy. She's still waiting outside at reception.

Millennial Politics

The main reaction to new Fianna Fáil TD Jack Chambers was that he had funny hair.

A lot of Irish millennials wish they were American. (Hence the accent and starting sentences with the word 'so'.) This doesn't fully explain why they are interested in American politics. Particularly since so many of them live in Australia. But you can't really blame 20-somethings for getting sucked into politics on the other side of the pond. They have Donald Trump. We have Mattie McGrath. It's like the phrase 'no contest' was invented for precisely this situation.

A survey carried out by Millennial Dialogue just before the recent election shows the state of play in Ireland. For starters, politics ranked second last in a list of priorities for this generation. This is obviously a worry. These are our young people. What could possibly be less interesting than politics? Religion, as it turns out. Well, at least that's some consolation.

Less consoling is their voting preference. If millennials had their way, the largest party in the Dail would be, wait for it, Sinn Fein. There is only one conclusion to draw from that. We hear New Zealand is nice.

Look, they might grow out of it. The main reaction on social media to the new Fianna Fail TD, Jack Chambers, above, was that he has funny hair. That's not exactly a sign of political maturity.

And there is a simple way to steer millennials away from Sinn Fein. Buy them a decent history of modern Ireland. (You might have to show them how to turn the page.)

It's not really about political parties for the millennials, anyway. The Millennial Dialogue poll also confirms what we already knew. These are single-issue voters. And they are focused on the 'Repeal the Eighth' debate.

It doesn't matter what side you take on the abortion issue. Anyone who lived through the 1980s will have the same reaction to the news that rosary beads and self-righteousness are back on the streets. Again, we hear New Zealand is nice.

Why all the hate?

(L to R) Sarah Jessica Parker, Cynthia Nixon, Kristin Davis and Kim Cattrall of Sex and the City in 2010

The main reason Generation X hates the millennials? Gerry Ryan. Gerry's show gave a national platform for parents to talk about their kids' mating habits. Suddenly, people knew what it meant to get a snowball at a rugby-club disco. The public reaction was outrage. The private reaction was more, "Jesus, in my day you had to make do with a bit of outside tit".

Worse again, Generation X can remember the walk of shame into a pharmacy, asking if it would be OK if we bought a box of condoms. The millennials were pretty much showered with them the minute they hit 16. There's no justice there.

And then there's porn. The millennials grew up surrounded by it. The only time their parents were surrounded by it was in a shop called Naughty Ladies in Soho in 1989, and, to be honest, it was overwhelming.

Say what you will about porn and the pressure it puts on people to perform. But at least someone is showing you how to do it. And giving you some new ideas. Spicing things up in the bedroom back in 1990s Ireland usually meant opening a second bottle of wine.

Worst of all was Sex and the City, right. Or as it was known in Ireland, You Can Stop Feeling Guilty Now. Irish people have always done what Americans tell them. So when the telly revealed that women in New York were at it like rabbits (or blokes), the millennials had a free ride on the guilt front.

The older generations would have loved to join in, but they were stuck at home with a huge mortgage and small kids. Shite, they said, in private, at missing out on an orgy, while pretending to be outraged in public. Sure you don't want people thinking you're a slut, Gerry.

They'll Always Have Australia

For millennials, there's always Australia.

Millennials were the first generation to treat a third-level degree as an excuse to go to Oz for a year. The whole idea was to experience a different culture. It worked, too. People from Cork found themselves drinking around the clock with people from Roscommon. Now there's a melting pot.

You might think that life in Australia would improve young Cian and Sorcha. And then you watch the New Year's Day episode of Bondi Rescue, on 3e. This documentary shows the legions of eejits that the lifeguards have to deal with on Bondi Beach. It's proof that Irish people should never be left out in the sun. Or out of the country, really. Brian McFadden wasn't the only Irish emigrant who made a tool of himself Down Under.

Not that the millennials care. In their dreams they are still young, free and flat out on Bondi Beach, with a Scottish backpacker lying on top of them. This is out of reach for some early millennials (mid-30s), who have two kids and a four-hour commute from a glorified shed outside sunny Tullamore. To say they are nostalgic for the old days is an understatement.

Here's our advice if you get invited to an early millennials party. Say no. Unless you want to hear the story about the time Budgie pissed himself on the Sydney metro. (You really don't.)

And then there's the weather. Past generations have always shown some affection for the weather here in Ireland.

Not the millennials. Two consecutive days of rain (or as we call it here, May), and our 30-something friends are liable to jump up on a chair and start singing the Australian national anthem.

And what happened when we managed to conjure up a mega-recession that sent half of them back Down Under? They complained about being forced to emigrate by the greedy Generation X crowd. There's just no pleasing some people.

How do they Spend Their Money?

Millennials like brands with an ethical dimension... we're told.

We're told the millennials like brands with an ethical dimension. We're usually told that by millennials. We'll give them 10 out of 10 for self-righteousness. (Anything less and they'd be demanding a re-evaluation. Remember, they don't like criticism.)

But are they really that ethical? The most important statement a millennial can make is their choice of smartphone. (A survey in the US last year revealed three of their top four favourite brands are smartphone manufacturers.) These shiny devices allow their owners to feel good about themselves, as long as they don't Google "Chinese sweat shops". Ethicalconsumer.org ranked mobile-phone manufacturers recently for their efforts on a range of ethical issues. Millennials' three favourite brands (Apple, Samsung and Sony) didn't manage a score over the 50pc mark. That's a total fail in any man's book. (Except the Irish third-level education system, which explains a lot about our recent graduates.) Anyway, the next time a 20-something starts to lecture you from the moral high ground, you know what to say. "Hand back your phone, fascist." Slam-dunk.

And then there's food. Millennials use food to attract partners. It's their mix-tape. We're told they like healthy food. In fact, you'd swear from the Bord Bia survey mentioned earlier that every millennial in the country is a clone of Donal Skehan. (There has to be a horror-movie franchise in there somewhere. Donal Skehan 2 . . . They're Making Scones.)

Here's the problem with surveys saying that millennials like healthy food: the number of 20-somethings standing in takeaways every night of the week with their tongues hanging out. Could it be that the respondents were trying to impress the guy carrying out the survey because he's hot? We can't rule it out.

Who's to Blame?

These kids grew up in a time when everyone won a medal at sports day.

The parents. Who else? Apparently the poor millennials have been over-parented.

This is the reason they are also known in China as The Little Emperors. In other words, a generation of entitled brats who grew up in the limelight, because they had no siblings due to China's one-child policy.

They are used to everyone hanging off their every word and telling them they are totes amazing. As a result, they wouldn't be known for their modesty. Let's just say the key to understanding Conor McGregor might be that he was born in 1988.

In fairness, the over-parenting thing makes sense in this country. Generation X kids in 1970s Ireland normally had about four weeks with mammy before she headed back to the maternity hospital to have the next one. (It was the only way she could get a break from her randy husband.) It was also a decent life lesson for Generation X when we figured out that dad wasn't really sure of our name.

The Irish millennials had a different upbringing. They would have grown up with mom and dad hovering over them - so much so that such parents became known as helicopter parents. (This was literally true for some millennials, but most of the choppers have been seized by the receivers at this stage.)

These kids grew up at a time when everyone won a medal at sports day. As a result, a lot of employers and recruiters will tell you that millennials don't react well to criticism.

Actually, there's a good chance they don't know they're sensitive.

So if you are planning to tell them, try and soften the blow with a cake, or maybe a deposit on a house.