Alf Garnett is back - as a bleedin' heart liberal: As the BBC announces it is reviving classic sitcoms, RICHARD LITTLEJOHN imagines how a modern day Till Death Us Do Part may play out

• e-mail

The BBC has announced that it is reviving classic comedies, such as Some Mothers Do 'Ave 'Em and Till Death Us Do Part.

First up is Michael Crawford reprising Frank Spencer, followed by Alf Garnett, with a new actor stepping in for the late Warren Mitchell.

Charlotte Moore, controller of TV channels, said: 'The landmark sitcom season will celebrate our very British sense of humour by re-imagining hits of the past and giving a platform for new talent.'

Fantastic news, although the 're-imagining' bit worries me. For years the BBC has refused to re-run Till Death because of Alf's unfashionable views on women, gays and ethnic minorities.

So it will be interesting to see how the BBC manages to square the circle. If they try too hard to pander to modern 'liberal' opinion, it could go something like this.

It is fantastic news the BBC is reviving classic comedies, such as Some Mothers Do 'Ave 'Em and Till Death Us Do Part. But the 're-imagining' bit worries me

The scene is the Garnetts' £2 million family home in a converted tobacco warehouse in Wapping, East London. Else is making a decaf Fairtrade coffee, Rita has just returned from her high-powered job in the City and son-in-law Mike is a stay-at-home dad of adopted Eritrean twins. Alf is reading the Guardian and vaping . . .

Ain't it bloody fair? Ain't it bloody fair, eh?

Mike: Who rattled your cage?

It says here that Her Majesty The Queen is a Euro-bloody-sceptic.

So what, she's entitled to an opinion.

No she bloody ain't. She's the monarch. She ain't s'posed to have an opinion on anyfink. It's yer constitution, innit?

Rita: Why shouldn't she express an opinion? She is the Queen, after all. It's a free country.

Steptoe and Son: The show ran from 1962-1974 and was watched by 28million viewers

Till Death Do Us Part: The programme ran from 1965 to 1975 and was seen by 20million people - it is well remembered for when Alf Garnett says 'silly moo' and 'you scouse git'

Porridge: Ran for three years between 1974 and 1977 and starred Ronnie Barker, Brian Wilde, Fulton Mackay and Richard Beckinsale 

Don't give me 'free country', my girl. We didn't fight two world wars so we could be a free country. She should be no-platformed.

Who should?

The bloody Queen, that's who. Shooting her mouth off as if she owns the place.

Well she does own the place — or at least some of it. And anyway, I thought people like you died in the war so that we could be a free country.

That's where you're wrong, Miss Clever Clogs. I'll admit that we were fighting for freedom — the freedom to join the European Union, that's what.

Else: But you didn't fight in the war. You was a conchie.

I wasn't a bloody conchie, I was in a reserved occupation, down the docks. And, any road, say what you like about old Adolf, but when it came to uniting the Continent he had the right idea.

Rita: But Hitler killed six million Jews in the death camps.

Propaganda, my dear, put out by the international Zionist media conspiracy. If it was left to me, I'd wipe Israel off the face of the earth, do us all a favour, after what they've done to the ELO in Palestine.

Mike: That's well out of order.

Are You Being Served? The show ran from 1972 to 1985 and was viewed by 22million people 

I'll tell you what's out of order, you lazy new man hipster, whatever you bleedin' call yourself these days. Brexit, that's what's out of order. Where did we ever get the idea that we are stronger and safer outside Europe? Your darling Boris, that's where.

I voted for him when he stood for Mayor, yes. And?

Look, I know he's done some good things, like cycle lanes and that. But he's on the wrong side of history here. Brexit will do more damage to the City of London than the Luftwaffe.

Rita: Don't talk rubbish, Dad. I was in a commodities meeting today and all the brokers said we'd manage perfectly well if Britain votes Leave.

And what the hell do they bloody know? It's merchant bankers what got us in this mess in the first place, young lady. They don't call them merchant bankers for nothing. If it wasn't for the EU, who knows where we'd be today.

Mike: We'd be an independent country, with the ability to make our own laws and decide who has the right to live here.

And then who would run the NHS and the buses and all that? Best thing that ever happened to this country, mass immigration. That, and benefits, obviously.

Else: It says here they're putting a mosque in EastEnders, for all the Muslins.

About time, too, if you ask me, you silly old moo. Some of us can remember when the East End was full of patriotic, white working-class racists, spouting Queen and Country crap, filling their faces with cheap beer and jellied eels. You couldn't get a decent curry for love nor money.

Up Pompeii! Ran from 1969 to 1970 with specials in 1975 and 1991 - a famous quote is when Lurcio said: 'Titter ye not!' and 'Get your titters out missus!' 

You didn't used to like curry, you pig. Said it was filthy, disgusting foreign muck.

That was before I embraced multi-culturalism, my dear. Mass immigration has added to the rich diversity and vibrancy of our nation. It's not that long ago that you never saw a woman in a burka down Wapping Lane.

These days, you never see any women without one. I was in the halal butchers, getting your tea, and even though I had my headscarf on, I got abused for not covering my face.

Rita: You're right, Mum. And when I was at the Ladies' Pond on Hampstead Heath, I was surrounded by Syrians who kept grabbing my boobs and squeezing my bum.

That's just their little joke — their way of being friendly. You have to make more of an effort to understand their culture.

Mike: Oh, come off it. I'm as PC as the next man, but you have to admit that Islamic attitudes towards women are medieval.

Medi-bloody-evil? Listen to him, Rita. I dunno why you ever married this ignorant Scouse git. You should have got hitched to a lesbian and made me and yer mum proud.

You can't say that any more.

What, 'lesbian'?

No, 'Scouse'. It's racial abuse to say anything derogatory about Liverpool these days.

Sorry, I forgot. Look at the trouble your darling Boris got himself in, slagging off the Scousers. Bloody Etonian chancer. Actually, I've always loved the Scousers, because most of them are Micks. And I love the Irish, especially the IRA. Best thing Jeremy Corbyn ever did was inviting Gerry Adams to London after the Brighton bomb.

If Boris is a chancer, where does that leave your mate Call Me Dave? He went to Eton, too.

Keeping Up Appearances: Ran from 1990 to 1995, was watched by 12million people and starred Patricia Routledge and Clive Swift 

Hancock's Half Hour: The show started in 1954 and ran for seven years and starred Tony Hancock and Sidney James

But that's where you're wrong, you liberated layabout. Boris is a spiv on the make. Mister Cameron is a proper toff, a gent and no mistake. He stands up for Britain. Look at what he's done for us: immigration, gay marriage, bending over backwards to keep us in the European Union. If we didn't have mass immigration, and if we weren't a tax haven for foreign multi-billionaires, we'd still be living in a back-to-back terrace house, instead of a £2 million two-bed flat. You're too young to remember what London was like in the old days, back when everyone spoke English.

That was when West Ham won things, too, I suppose.

Don't you 'West Ham' me. Come On You Irons! We'll be playing in the Olympic Stadium next year and that would never have got built without hard-working immigrants from Eastern Europe. Not to mention good old Slaven Bilic, who's from somewhere over there. Let 'em all in, that's what I say. I love all them gipsies Up West, camped out in Hyde Park. Diversity? Bring it on!

(Ding-dong)

Else: That'll be our new neighbour, Mr Spencer. Answer the door, will you, Rita?

Frank: Ooooh, 'ello Mrs Garnett, Mr Garnett. I just popped round to borrow a cup of cleaning fluid. The cat's done a whoopsie in my new Peruvian hat. I only bought it yesterday, down Niqab Lane Market, you know, used to be Petticoat Lane.

Would you like a cup of tea, Frank?

No thanks, Mrs G, Betty's making me a rhubarb infusion. I've been having a bit of trouble lately. And incidentally, it's Frankie now, not Frank. I've just come out of the London Hospital, up Whitechapel, where I had a sex-change. My mother always said I was a bit genderfluid.

(Alf looks up from his Guardian . . .)

Says here that since the Conservatives got in six years ago, there's been a 1,000 per cent rise in people being treated on the NHS for gender disswossname. Makes you proud to be British — but only if we stay in the EU. I'm going down the pub, or I would be if it hadn't been turned into a safe space for bi-curious Afghan asylum-seekers and a recruiting office for Izal. Ain't it bloody fair, eh? Ain't it bloody fair?

Else: You're still a pig.